This Thing Called Life
by Elin-Darling
Summary: There's this crazy little thing that we call life, and it's happening to Annie and Seth. Lucky for them, they're fast learners, because it keeps throwing them curveballs. Or are they? Based on DuchessRaven's Hellsingverse, focusing on Annie and Seth.
1. Chapter 1

Meep! I'm writing a real fanfiction before my exams are over!!!! Someone please check outside for fires and such. I'm pretty sure they Apocolypse is upon us.

Anyhow. I'm a sucker for reviews. They melt me all to peices, especially when they're from people I don't know. And when someone left this review saying, "Write the story! I'm anxious to see the dynamic between Annie, Father Alex, Seras, and Seth" I was just moved to do so. I'm not even waiting to discuss this with Duchess..I got her blessing a week ago and so now I'm going to do something with it. So here's my suggestion to you all: if you like this chapter, and you want more quickly, leave me lots and lots of gushy reviews saying how much you loved it and that you can't wait to see more. Even if I can't think of anything, I'll find something to put on paper.

And I'd also really love it if you'd favorite it or something, if you like it. That would make me happier than you could immagine. Someone once said immitation was the highest form of flattery. I disagree. Favoriting their stories and mentioning them in random places around the internet is.

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An indistinct figure sat in the windowsill, encompassed by the fluttering drapes. Moonlight shone through, illuminating his face and dancing on his marble features. A face that only a few months ago was unsure of itself, awkward and self concious, was now peaceful and confident. The only times it wasn't was around one person, and well, she didn't count. There was too much history between them to be untangled in only a handful of weeks. He sat still, unmoving, allowing the drapes to wrap themselves around him and then flow off in another direction. A light breeze ruffled his brown hair slightly. He closed his eyes and inhaled softly, followed by an exhale just as soft.

"Breakfast?"

He started. He had been so involved in his thoughts he hadn't noticed another presence enter the room. He turned his head to see who it was, though he already knew. Only one voice could suprise him, comfort him, and set him on edge all at the same time.

"Evening, Annesa." He moved over a bit, knowing she was going to sit next to him whether he liked it or not. She didn't disappoint him.

"So," she said, settling herself, " how long have you been up?" She offered the blood packet she held in her hand. When he shook his head, she laid it on the open space between them, as an open invitation to accept at any time.

"Maybe half an hour." He didn't know what to do around her nowadays. In the beginning--their new beginning- it had seemed relatively easy. But as the days, or rather nights, wore on, they realized they didn't know each other anymore. They became more awkward with each passing week. They had to start from scratch, and build their friendship all over again. And maybe after, they could become something more...He looked out the window to the sky, finding something else to think about. That would be a long way in the future; for now, they had to learn each other all over again.

Annie followed his gaze. "The stars are pretty, huh?" She asked softly, trying to be conversational. He knew she wanted things to be as they used to more than anyone. She always looked for ways to make it happen, jumping at every chance to start some sort- any sort- of communication.

Seth nodded. " They're very pretty. But I miss the sun."

Annie snorted; rather unladylike, true, but Seth never heard anyone accuse Annie of being a proper lady. " Not that you'd see it much anyway. Trust me, if you had stayed a human, assuming none of that had ever happened, you would have been trapped inside for most of your time. Besides, the Sun's not so great- it gives you sunburns and cancer and..." she trailed off when she saw the sorrowful look on his face. " ..I'm sorry. That...didn't come out right..."

"No," he replied softly, " I know what you meant. It's alright."

Annie let out a ragged sigh. " Will it ever be alright?"

He looked at her curiously. " What do you mean? Of course it will."

"No it won't," she replied quickly, almost challengingly. "It won't be alright because we can't even be in the same room breathing without worrying what the other will think, without watching our every word. It didn't used to _be _like this. Why can't it be the way it used to, when we were kids?"

"Because we aren't kids, Annesa. We haven't been for a long time now. And besides," he turned to look her in the face, and almost faltered in his speech when he saw her imploring eyes, " too much happened back then for it to just go back to the way it 'used to be'. You of all people should know that."

She pulled her knees up into her chest. "I don't like it."

"You're sounding like a spoiled little girl instead of the powerful, responsible woman you are."

Annie glanced at him sharply. "Say again?"

"You heard me."

"I just want to make sure. For a second, you didn't sound like quite so much of a pushover."

Seth laughed ruefully. " I suppose not. We all make mistakes sometimes."

Annie shook her head. "I mean it, Seth. I think you're becoming someone, not just the pampered rich boy I used to know."

"Hellsing seems to do that to people."

"Indeed."

They sat in silence for a few moments, each one waiting to see what would come next. Seth knew how hard Annie tried to smooth things over between them, so he thought that for once, he should do the easing along. He picked up the almost-forgotten blood pack and weighed it in his hand.

"You know," he started, considering the object, " this is really weird. Think about this, I mean. I know that it's my food now, but still- it seems kind of gross."

"What were you expecting?" Annie mumbled into her knees, boredom and exhasperation apparent in her voice. " You've only been a vampire for a few months now. Your mind is still trained on 'eating blood equals bad'. You think becoming a vampire automatically makes you obsessed with drinking blood, with no psycological barriers at all?"

"Well..." Seth started, sheepish.

For the second time that night, Annie snorted. " What an ignorant way to view things. It's like saying gravity always makes things fall."

"Doesn't it?"

Annie shook her head. "You're taking too much for granted," she told him. "What happens when you get a balloon? Gravity doesn't just take a lunch break, Seth."

He thought about it. " I suppose you're right."

She nodded. "Of course I'm right. Have I ever been wrong?"

Seth considered. " Maybe sometimes. But nothing of great importance was ever at stake at those times."

Annie unfolded herself and stood. " Exactly. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to finish up my work for the night, so I can take a shower and go to bed."

"Bed?" Seth inquired. That was unusual; normally she was up much later than this.

Annie nodded her affirmative. "I've not been getting good sleep lately. Trying to keep Dad out of Mom's dreams. It can really cut back on the rest you get."

"Ah," he replied. He didn't really quite understand, but maybe one day he'd figure out this strange family. "Sweet dreams, then, Annie."

She gave him a tight smile and a thank you, then walked out of the room. Seth watched her go with relief and remorse; he wanted her company, but for now, it was still too awkward for comfort. The door shut behind her, and he went back to his stargazing

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Outside the door, Annie clutched at her chest. Funny how much his simple use of her nickname could still, even now, set her heart beating wildly and her stomach fluttering. It had been a long time since it had escaped his lips; now that it had, she knew that she wanted to hear it more often.

Review! Please! Let me know what you think. It really does mean a lot to me.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N

I'm so glad that you guys liked the first chapter. Duchess, you're a big help. Oh, and sorry again about misspelling her name. It won't happen again.

Alright guys, you know the drill. I beg for reviews, and being the lovely people you are, you leave them. I love you all. Also, I was told that I should switch up viewpoints every now and then, so this time you get Annie's POV.

And blah blah blah, I don't own Hellsing. I suppose I'll get over that one day.

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Annie slammed her fist on the desk. "_WALTER!!_"

She tapped her foot impatiently as she waited for him to arrive. What was the meaning of all this paperwork? How could she have so much to do? It couldn't have all arrived today; it had to have accumulated. That's what set her off. She had given explicit instructions when she first took over Hellsing that she never wanted such a thing to happen, that all paperwork was to be brought to her immediately. Oh, how _could _he? He knew she didn't like tremendous amounts of papers to fill out and sign all at once. She felt entirely betrayed.

Walter slowly walked into the room. It wasn't that he was afraid, it was that he was, plain and simply, getting old. Annie's anger wavered for a moment; she hated to see him try so hard when it took so much effort to even walk to her office. The man was in his eighties, for goodness sakes. However, it didn't excuse the fact that all these papers had magically appeared at her desk.

"Yes, Lady Annie."

"Walter, what is the meaning of this?" She gestured to the offending desk full of work.

"That, my lady, would be His Majesty's accumulation of paperwork that he saved for a time that he deemed fit to send it to you."

Annie sighed in frustration. "Why don't you just say the king was being lazy and didn't send it when he should have?"

Walter chuckled. "It would be out of line for me to say, Annie. You are the only one who dares to do so."

"And he won't punish me," Annie muttered.

"No, he won't. You're too valuable to him."

Annie waved her hand in resignation. "Very well. The fault is his, not yours. I will see to it that he get his due tongue lashing."

Walter smiled at the young woman. "So like your mother. And yet so blunt like your father."

Annie smiled back. She especially liked the part about being like her father. "Thank you, Walter. If you'd like, you can have the rest of the day off," she offered.

"That..would be pleasant."

She watched him make his way out of the room. She wished she could do more for him, but there was so much she needed to do. She looked out the window. It was...sunset. Beautiful. The perfect time of day. Her father had once told her it was her special time, because it represented her so perfectly. He told her that the sunset showed the lovliest colors of the day, but also welcomed in the night. She was a part of both worlds, the place where they merged. She sighed and made her way to her mother's portrait. The artist had done a remarkable job. She studied the small smile on her mother's face.

"You finally found your happiness, didn't you?" A nostalgic look crossed her face. "You got what you wanted, and I got what I wanted, so we're both supposed to be happy, right? Then why am I so miserable?" She leaned against the wall, her arm streched above her and resting on the top of her head, her face resting on the portrait. "This isn't what I thought it was. Don't get me wrong, I love Hellsing, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else, but I really, really don't like filling things out." She sighed. "I take it back. I don't want this job." She smiled ruefully.

"Even if that were so, it's a bit late to back out now, don't you think?" Seth took careful steps into the room. "But we both know you don't, so it's a moot point."

Annie glared at him. "What makes you think that I don't? Maybe I do."

"Sure, and I'm a girl."

Annie gasped. " And you didn't tell me?? Thats a horrible thing to do, Seth."

Seth stood there for a moment, an appalled look on his face. Then, as he realized she was only kidding, a grin creeped onto his face. "Very funny."

Annie nodded." Duh. Wow, I get to see you two nights in a row? To what do I owe this...occurance?"

"I have a question."

"Alright, ask."

"Last night..." He hesitated.

"Yes?"

"Were you calling my appetite a balloon?" he blurted out.

Annie stared at him in disbelief. Was he crazy? "Only if thats what you want to interpret it as..." Honestly, where _did_ this boy get some of his ideas? She was beginning to wonder if his strange parental situation growing up hadn't affected his brain.

"Oh please," he said, insulted. "My parents have nothing to do with this."

Annie's eyes widened. Had he just...no, it couldn't be. Could it? She decided to test something. _Did you just read my thoughts?_

"Did I?" He asked, suprise evident in his voice, if not his face.

"You did!" she exclaimed. "Seth, you read my thoughts!"

The paperwork lay forgotten that night as Annie taught Seth how to use this new ability. She reserved some secrets, of course, because she didn't want him knowing everything that went on in her brain. For one night, though, their discomfort took a back seat to the excitement of Annie's discovery.

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The next day, when Annie got her weekly call from her parents, she eagerly snatched up the phone. "Mom, you'll never guess what Seth did..."


	3. Chapter 3

A/N

Alright, I'd like to say something before I start this chapter, just so we all understand each other. Please keep in mind that this all starts only a few months after the Conningwell estate massacre. That isn't something that someone could just walk away from unchanged. I'm not trying to be angsty, but this is the way things happen. Annie is affected deeply. It haunts her. Why? Because she feels she could have prevented it but didn't. She's too much like her mother in that respect; she shoulders the blame, puts it on herself. Something like that shakes a person to the core. Annie feels _responsible. _And because of this, she'll never quite be the same again. So if you have any qualms with how 'angsty' this may seem, I'm sorry for you. I write what I feel is realistic, and right now, rainbows and flowers for her aren't.

Lots of dialouge this chapter. If Duchess can do it, I can too. Plus, I like dialouge.

Onto the story.

(oh, and thank you to those who reviewed. Also, Duchess, if you flood me with chapters, I'm not going to speak to you for a week. I have exams this week, so be considerate.)

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Annie awoke in a cold sweat, tears slipping down her cheeks. She lay unmoving for a few minutes, allowing her breathing to slow and her heartbeat to steady itself. It was that dream-no, nightmare- again, and once again, she went through her ritual to calm and collect herself. She glanced over at her alarm clock. It wouldn't go off for another half an hour, but she decided that now was as good as ever to get to work. And she knew just the person to do her a small favor to make her feel better.

0o0o0o0o0o

Father Alex sat in the study, among the books and leather bindings. Such a collection was spectacular. Never had he seen so many old and valuable books amassed in one personal library before. Were it not a sin, he would envy Annie the chance to grow up in such surroundings, with such resources available. Still, he was allowed to indulge in them as a member of the household, and so he was happy. He could find nothing to complain about.

Except for the vampires. He was perfectly fine with Annie, and after years of working alongside Seras Victoria, he no longer felt the urge to put a bayonet in her back. She was a sweet girl, and really worked for the well-being of humanity, however odd that was for one of her kind. It was the new vampire that set his teeth on edge. Seth was not new to him, so it seemed unreasonable that he should feel the way he did. On the other hand, when he had known him before, the boy was still human. Ever since he became a vampire, Anderson resented him. Not as a person; as an addition to the "family". He was unfamiliar with the common procedure, he was over eager to help and still so clumsy that he wound up hurting a cause more than assisting. He also had an annoying habit of overthinking things. When what is required is to shoot, it really wasn't necessary to wonder if the gun was made in England or Japan.

Anderson was thinking up a rather nasty practical joke he could play on Seth when from out of nowhere, a female voice called out.

"Father Alex!!!"

Annie's head poked around the doorframe and an amused grin crossed her face. As soon as she was sure he wasn't going to have heart attack(or at least not a serious one), she smirked. "What's wrong? Doing something you shouldn't be?"

Anderson sent a glare in her general direction. How did she always manage to show up right when he was having what could be considered traitorous thoughts? He didn't understand it. Quite frankly, it scared him that such a thing was possible. Annie chuckled at the look on his face.

"Is it paranoia, or are they really out to get you?"

"Very funny. You know, I used to know a catboy like you."

"Oh, really?"

"Aye. Everywhere and nowhere."

"Quit fooling around. I have a job for you. More of a favor, really."

"I'm not fooling," he muttered to himself. To her, he said, " And what might this job-favor be?"

Annie's hand lifted and pointed in the general direction of the kitchen. "Make me a sandwich."

Alright, now he was sure that there was something wrong with her. " You cannot be serious."

"No, I'm not. Actually, I wanted you to go scout on the outskirts of town to make sure no vampire riff-raff has made its way in since the last time I sent someone out."

"Which was yesterday, if memory serves me correctly."

"'Better safe than sorry'," she quoted.

"There is such a thing as overvigalence, lady knight," he said back.

"Not in my book. For instance, what were the statistics on the last mission?"

"Two vampires eliminated, countless ghouls. A few weapons broken, one vehicle damaged, five casulties-"

Annie cut him off, a hard look on her face. " How many?"

"Five."

"Not acceptable."

"What are you talking about? Thats a perfectly reasonable number. A few deaths here and there are counted as acceptable losses, because-"

"_No. _When the scoop falls off your ice cream cone, that's an acceptable loss. When you throw a ball into the woods and can't find it, that's an acceptable loss. When your marshmellow falls into the campfire, that's an acceptable loss. When it comes to human life, _there is no such thing as an "acceptable loss"!!"_

Father Alex looked at Annie in consternation. Her nerves were showing through again. He could see the wild fear in her eyes, mixed with anger and sorrow. Ever since that fateful birthday, Annie's confidence was shattered. Before, a few men were something to feel saddened over, but she understood such things happened. She had been bold, daring in her manuevering and orders. Now, she was cautious. She was also a very good actress, though. She had them all fooled into thinking she was still the same person. The council, the public, the king, the very soldiers of Hellsing. Her parents. None of them realized what had happened to her. None but those closest to her inside the walls of Hellsing, who could see her emotions in their raw, unchecked state. It was affecting her decisions, and if something didn't change soon, it would affect her ability to lead. He didn't want to think about what would happen to England if it ever came to that.

"Anessa Hellsing. Do _not _allow yourself to fall into an idealist trap. We all wish for a world of safety, where no human blood has to be shed. A place where the innocent bystander can remain just that; a bystander, not a fatality. But in order to acheive those ideals, you must accept that death is inevitable. To maintain the security of all England, you have to realize that the world is not, and will never be, the ideal picture you hold in your head. You-"

Annie smacked him, palm open, across the face. A cold fury raged in her eyes. "Do not tell me how to run my orginization, or live my life. You simply follow orders. Am I perfectly clear, Alexander Anderson?"

The cold tone she used reminded him of her mother when he had first met her. When that happened, he found only one safe, best, option: submit.

"Perfectly, Madam Director."

She gave him one last, withering look, and turned on heel. He watched her leave. Sighing, he went to prepare himself to do as she asked, because if he didn't, it could cause even more problems. He walked past the kitchen on his way out and stopped. First, he had something to do.

o0o0o0o0o

Annie emerged from her room some twenty minutes later or so, confident that she had calmed herself to a controllable, maskable, point. She strode into her office. It was dark. The heavy drapes had not yet been pulled back to allow the sunlight to stream in and illuminate the large office. She made her way to them, tying them securely in place and turned to get started on her work for the day.

There, in the middle of her desk, sat a sandwich. And next to it, a goblet with a note attached.

It read, _If anyone asks, tell them it's fruit punch._


	4. Chapter 4

Oh my goodness. I passed math. I am...flabbergasted, but in an amazingly happy way. Thank you to the two people who responded to my little note, and to Duchess for being so awesome about it. Except when she was being a pain. : p

Anyhow, Summer is almost here. A couple more days. Can you guys wait that long for a story? When school's out, I will write a really long chapter to make it up to you. I may even speed events along, to get to the parts that are going to be really enjoyable to write. Also, anyone familiar with The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy? I'd suggest you brush up on it, because I'm going to be having fun dropping in little referances.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N As promised, a longer-than-usual chapter. Happy now, Jing? Have your stupid story. I'm just celebrating the arrival of summer. And Annie really has this thing with slapping people. She's much more physically expressive of her emotions that her mother ever was.

Enjoy, guys. (pssttt...I reeeeeeaaaallly like reviews...)

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Every night was the same around Hellsing. Or close to it. Perhaps the only thing that was truly the same was Annie's routine. She would sit at her desk, filling out papers, issuing orders. At ten, she would get up for a stretch. By midnight, she had already had a cup of tea. When 2 a.m. rolled around, she would call up for cofee. At two thirty, she would sit for a spell, looking out at the grounds. Then it was back to work. Somewhere between 3 and 4 a.m., she turned in for the night.

This was her routine, such as it was. There she sat, a solitary figure, cloaked in shadow. She never turned on the light unless someone happened to venture in for some reason or another. Instead, she prefered her lighting to be natural. The moonlight would stream through the windows, accentuating her aristocratic features in a soft, pale glow. Under its influence, her eyes turned a bright shade of red. The shadows played across her face as she moved, down her face, neck, chest. She was often compared to Artemis, mythological Goddess of the Moon and Hunting, by those who saw her in such a state. Which was usually only a handful of people, but nevertheless, she was a sight to behold. The night was truly when she was in her element.

This particular night, Annie was a bit out of sorts. It had been two weeks since her discussion with Father Alex. As far as anyone could tell, it played over in her mind. It bothered her. When things bothered her, she grew listless. She shuffled the papers in her hand again, for what had to be the thousandth time. It must have dawned on her how rediculous and pointless holding them was, because she set them down. After taking a long look at her desk and sighing, she stood, shoved her hands in her pockets, and aimlessly walked to the window.

Seth watched her from the shadows. He hated lurking, but it had its benefits. He'd rather feel guilty for lurking then feel awkward because she was aware of his presence. When she didn't know he was there, it made it easier for him to admire her. Openly gazing at her made him rather uncomfortable. Not only that, but (intrinsically, he blushed) his gaze liked lingering on parts that it wasn't, well, socially acceptable to linger on. He felt like a stalker. A perverted stalker.

_Thanks, Dad, _he thought acidly_, I seem to have inherited too much of you for my own good. _

After all, if he couldn't hold a real conversation with her, what gave him the right to..._look _at her?

He reflected on the months that had gone by since she brought him into this world of night. He was becoming accoustomed to his new, strange sleeping habits, although sleeping all day still seemed a bit odd. He wondered if Seras had had the same problem. The two of them had become friends, even support for tough times. Which basically meant she gave him sympathetic looks when he was ordered to do something that forced him to embrace his vampirism. Seras had told him her biggest problem had been bringing herself to drink blood. He grew used to it soon enough. It was the powers he was having a problem with. He could just hear Annie now...Seth, use your "third eye". Seth, change into mist. Seth, read his mind. Seth, rip that ghoul to shreds without hesitation. Couldn't he go back to when he was a kid? It was the exact oppisite back then. Seth, get out of bed, it's nearly 10. Seth, be careful not to break that. Seth, be a perfect little gentleman...

"You can come out, by the way. I know you're there."

He jumped, startled. He'd been caught. Guiltily, he stepped out into view.

Annie stood at the window, arms folded across her chest. She leaned on the wall, supported by her shoulder. Her eyes never left the mansion grounds, but she continued to address him.

" It doesn't matter if you hide. In fact, it's a waste of energy. I can still smell you. I know when you're there and when you aren't. Even my father could never hide from me when he was in the room. And he, my dear Seth, was far more expirienced and gifted than you."

He shifted. "I..I do _shower, _you know."

Annie rolled her eyes and shook her head. "Moron. I didn't mean you smelled _bad_. Everyone has their own scent. Hadn't you noticed that yet?"

Seth hadn't noticed. Or at least, he hadn't noticed noticing. Now that he thought about it, the air did seem to be different around different people. It was always the best when Annie was around. There was just something about the fragrance of her presence. It was like freshly baked apple pie and Ice Cream. He paused. Did ice cream even have a scent? Whatever. Even if it didn't, she still reminded him of it. Warm and inviting, but still had a certain aloof coolness that blended in so well you didn't mind. It mingled nicely with the residue scent of her shampoo, a Cinnamon-Vanilla blend. All in all, she ended up making him quite hungry, and usually in more ways than one.

Pushing those thoughts aside, he went to lean against the wall oppisite her. They stood silently, just looking out the window. He looked to the stars. Her eyes were fixed firmly on the ground.

"Don't you two make a lovely pair? Like Greek statues."

Seth turned to see Seras walk in. Annie didn't move at all. He was actually relieved to see Senior Officer Victoria. She broke the silence, and in this case, that was a good thing. A very, very, good thing.

"Did you need something?" Annie didn't seem relieved. If anything, she seemed annoyed to be pulled out of whatever reverie she was in.

Seras shrugged. "Actually, I was just coming to see if there was anything you needed me for. See, I was going to take a walk but..."

"Go ahead. There's nothing happening tonight."

"I'll go with you," Seth interjected.

"Uumm...actually, Seth, I, uh, I was kind of planning on going alone. Well, not really alone, but kind of. Its a long story."

"But its safer when--"

"Seth, she's a _vampire. _And a much more expirienced one than you. Do you honestly believe she needs protection? Let her go alone." Annie didn't move a muscle. She simply stood there, uninterested in the topic but eager to end it with a clipped remark.

Seras looked gratefully at Annie, then apologetically at Seth. "Sorry. Next time, maybe?"

Seth looked at the ground sheepishly. "Sure."

Annie rolled her eyes. "Is there anywhere in particular you were planning on going?"

"Just around London. Close enough that if you need me, you know how to call." She took Annie's silence for acknowledgement, and turned to leave, before pausing. "Sorry Seth. I'll see you later, alright?"

He nodded glumly. She gave him a small smile and left the office. Suddenly, a thought occured to him.

"Hey...what did she mean by that? That you 'knew how to call'? I didn't see a phone anywhere on her.."

"Since I was little, and infant even, I've been able to touch others' minds...take and leave images. It was more primative back then; now I can leave messages and impressions, too. I can 'talk' to her. Maybe someday you'll learn how, but that remains to be seen. "

"Oh..." He trailed off. There was something else, something nagging at him...what else had she said? He wished he had gone along with her because then he could ask--That was it! The thing about not really going alone!

"Hey, Hellsing?" That's what he called her most of the time. While privately, he still thought of her as Annie, he addressed her as "Hellsing." Sir Hellsing was her mom's title, as far as he was concerned.

"Hmm?" She had gone back to her grounds-gazing. He wondered what was so captivating, but that could wait for another time. Or at least until after he had asked about this.

"She said something about going alone but not really?"

"Mmmhmm."

"How is that possible?"

Annie remained silent for a few moments. He could see she was trying to think of a way to put it. Her eyes gave it away.

"Seras isn't..the only one in her body. That's the whole point of her taking these walks. Sometimes she needs to go sort it out. Its kind of like taking a walk with your sweetheart, only you can't hold their hand." She laughed bitterly. "Not that I'd know anything about taking a walk with a sweetheart. I only ever had one, and he ran off like a scared rabbit when he found out what I was."

Seth cleared his throat, discomfort written on his face. "Uh, Hellsing..."

"Yes, Seth, I'm well aware that I'm saying this out loud in front of you. You need to hear it. I don't care if it hurts your feelings. Do you know how much it hurt _my _feelings? Do you even care?" Anger was seeping into her voice. "Do you have any idea how long I waited to hear from you? You didn't even send me a card. Not a single one. I didn't expect any presents, but hey, is it so hard to wish someone a happy birthday?"

"I'm sorry," He mumbled.

"Sorry," she spat the word out. "Sorry doesn't uncry tears. It doesn't mend broken hearts. Yea, you're here now, but what would have happened if those vampires had never attacked your house? Would you still be saying you were sorry? Would you even be talking to me? How long would it have taken before you finally came to see me, or at least let me know you didn't hate me? Ten years? Twenty? Never?"

"I don't know. I was a stupid kid, I didn't know--"

"Didn't know? Didn't know what? That after making a girl feel special, just up and leaving, without a word or an appearance for_ four freaking years _would hurt her feelings? Didn't know _that, _Seth? Or maybe, you didn't know that one day you'd end up working for her, so you didn't know to be nice?"

"No, thats--"

"Oh, I know. You _didn't know _that common curtosy dictates that you at least show your face at places where I may be present."

"Annie, will you let me talk?"

"Oh, now you want to talk? Hmmm, seems you didn't have a lot to say up until a few months ago, and now you seem to have so much to say to me. How interesting."

"For the love of--" He muttered to himself. "Could you quit it? I already feel bad enough, alright? You don't need to remind me that I was being a jerk. I know that. You don't have to rub it in."

"Oh, ever so repentant and honest. Are you really just a misunderstood angel? Should I start polishing your halo?"

Something finally snapped. "You're one to talk! You always strut around like God's gift to humanity, when really, you're nothing but an immature little girl!' He yelled. " Its always about _Anessa. _Nothing matters as long as _Anessa_ is happy. _Anessa _is so perfect that its a suprised she doesn't just get taken up into heaven right now! By the way, did anyone bother to tell you that proper ladies don't walk around with their shirts unbuttoned halfway down? But thats part of your little ploy, isn't it? Get every guy in the vicinity staring at your breasts so that you can completely dominate them! I'm not an idiot, Hellsing! I know how much of a control freak you are! You find out everyone's weak spots and then exploit them, just because you can! You wonder why you have no friends? Its because no one dares get that close to you! Keep it up, and everyone's going to hate you, just like they did your mom! Did it ever occur to you that other people mattered, too? Maybe I wanted to make it up to you! But that really doesn't matter to you, does it, because_ Anessa _seems to be the only one with feelings. Before you start harping on people about how unperfect they are, take a look in a mirror. You're a broken mess, just like the rest of us. The difference is, the rest of us accept it and move on. You're stuck trying to be perfect, and trying to make _us _think you are." He stood, shaking with rage. unconciously, he had clenched his hands.

Annie stood there with a look of utter hatred on her face. Slowly, she walked towards him. On one hand, she always wore a ring. It was gold, with a garnet set in it; a birthstone ring. She raised that hand. In one quick, fluid movement, she smacked him as hard as she could across the face- backhanded. The force jerked Seth's head sideways.

He brought one of his own hands up to his face, and touched the blood that trickled down. He met Annie's eyes, filled with rage. if she couldn't face the truth, so be it.

He didn't need her.

0o0

Annie left her office abruptly. She stormed out into the hall and up to her room. Who did he think he was? She was the head of Hellsing, a no-life princess, and the king's personal consultant. Never had she been talked to in such a way, and never so offensively. She seethed with hatred.

Thats how he felt, was it? Then he obviously never wanted to make anything up to her in the first place. Fine. She had gotten along fine without him before, she could do it again.

He didn't matter at all. She would ignore his very existance.


	6. Chapter 6

Hey look, a chapter. Happy 2012.

0o0o0o0o

Ignoring Seth was proving to be more difficult than Annie had anticipated.

At first, it wasn't a terribly hard task. Seth seemed to be avoiding her as much as she was avoiding him. She only saw glimpses of him rounding corners or, occasionally, heading down the hallway in the opposite direction. They never made eye contact. They never touched. They never spoke. On the rare occasion that a message had to be passed, Seras played messenger girl to "whoever needs to be told about this."

But more nights and more approaching social deadlines were putting Annie in a bind. Some of these events were such that it would be inappropriate to attend without a date or an escort. A glittering evening gown with no arm candy was not her favorite position to be in; although it was generally accepted while she was a younger teenager- with her mother so recently "passed on"- the whispers were beginning to start. Snippets of conversations and thoughts she'd overheard contained words like "ice queen", "pretentious", "lesbian"; words that never bothered her before were beginning to make her blood boil and more than once her tongue began to bleed from literal bite wounds. They didn't know her, they didn't have the right whisper to each other as they refreshed their over-priced rouge in their ornate restrooms. More and more, she understood how her mother must have felt proving herself to the council. Annie had the council's respect. She wanted to make the rest of them respect her-or at least her position- too.

So it was that she picked up the phone one night and let her fingers dial the first number that came to mind. One ring. Two. Three, four. Five, six, seven, eight.

"We're sorry, the number you are trying to reach is not available," droned the electronic female voice. "Please pr-"

Annie replaced the phone in its cradle, letting her hand linger as she stared at the machine. It was time for a new one, she decided. This one must have served the office for twenty, thirty years. She stared at it for a minute longer before reaching out and trying again. She drummed the fingers of her free hand on the desk as she listened to the rings.

""We're sorry, the number you are trying to reach is not available," again droned the electronic female voice. "Please press-"

Annie slammed down the phone. "Fuck you too," she muttered. She sighed. A minute passed. One more time, she decided.

"We're sorry, the numbe-" Annie was about to hang up again when a fluid voice interrupted the automated one. "Annie?"

A grin broke across Anessa's face and she exhaled. "Mum. Hi."

"Hello, dear. What do you need?"

"Do you have time to talk?"

"If I didn't, I would make some. I assume, however, that you wish to talk and my part is to listen."

"Mm." Annie began to relate what had happened over the past few months, hazing some of the stickier details and quickly skimming through to her current troubles. She told of her conversation with Father Alex, of the tension between her and Seth, of the paperwork backlogs, and most importantly, of the explosive fight. Integra's end remained silent, save for a barely perceptible steady rhythm of inhaling and exhaling. The line remained quiet for five minutes after Annie finished her unloading.

Finally, Integra's voice broke the silence.

"Do you know how many men died under my command?"

Annie blinked. Of all the things she had said, she felt that to be one of the least interesting. Surely her mother would understand the burden of responsibility for deaths, how unacceptable and avoidable they were. "Wh-what?" she stammered.

"Do you know how many died following my orders?" Integra's voice was even. For all the world, she sounded like she could have been bracing the phone between her shoulder and ear as she filed her nails lazily. It had never even occurred to Annie to ask, or check the records, on how many men had been transferred as replacement personnel. She made a wild guess based on the number of decades her mother had run the organization.

"Five hundred? No, a thousand?" Her nails scratched along the grooves in the wooden desk as her brow furrowed.

"That sounds somewhere close to the yearly count, at times."

"You can't be serious." Her voice held a mixture of disbelief, disdain, and possibly a hint of disgust. She couldn't see her mother sending so many in for slaughter, especially with her father available to take care of things on his own without any human lives needing to enter the battlefield.

From the other end of the line, Anessa heard a sigh.

"Do you remember when you asked me if I was happy in my job, Anessa? This is part of the job. Sending people to die. Signing their pensions for whatever family they may have, though that's very uncommon as you may…or perhaps, may not…have noticed. The running joke in the military, for those who knew of our division, was that Hellsing is a great career option if you don't have any retirement plans. What Hellsing does is necessary. Unfortunately, we deal with creatures that feed on the very species that serve as our operatives and agents. You can't carry this weight around on your shoulders forever. At some point, you have to accept and forgive and continue on."

"But…" Annie tried to interject, but realized that she had no idea what to say.

"I made too many mistakes adjusting to my role. For some time—around your age- I was too careless, too reckless, too wild. I was the director, and I was cocky. Then, when the death tolls started rolling in exponentially higher as the war started, I sobered up. It's a hard burden, giving the orders. But you can't take it personally, because it will destroy you, and you cannot let it. You must accept responsibility, but not let the responsibility break you. There is a difference between necessary casualties and recklessness. As long as you aren't being reckless, you have permission to sleep soundly at night, though you may not anyway. It's just part of the job."

Annie ran her hand up to her neck and gripped her hair slightly. She sighed heavily. "It's hard."

"I know."

"I don't like it."

"Good."

Annie bit her lip. "And the other things…"

"Seth is right."

"What?" Anesa let out a low, involuntary growl. She called for support and advice, not for her to take his side. All she wanted to know was how to resolve this to her best advantage.

"Don't be angry at me for answering your plea for help in a way you don't want to hear. He's right, as much as it pains me to say it. This whole phone call just proves his point. You don't want to resolve your situation, you want to get your way. You've lived too long under the idea that you can treat people however you want, and not bear the consequences, because you have never cared what they thought. I did the same. The difference, though, is that I cared, and chose not to change because I couldn't afford to. I never stopped having to prove myself. You don't have anything to prove. You crave companionship, but the way you treat people will never earn their trust… you may get companions, but not real companionship."

"You taught me to be aloof!" Annie protested. Her free hand pounded on the desk once, then splayed against it as her shoulders tensed.

"I know." Integra's voice seemed laced with weariness. "I taught you what I knew. And what I thought was best for you. But you and I are not cut from the same cloth. We don't come from the same upbringing. And I never toyed with people for the hell of being in control."

"He left me first."

"He said he was sorry."

"It doesn't fix it!"

"No. But humans are so fragile; emotionally, physically, mentally. He was scared of rejection."

"Ironic."

"Indeed. But he wants to fix it. Give him a chance. Don't be alone, Annie."

"I have Seras."

"You love him."

Annie paused. She scrunched her hair with her free hand again, then let it trail down to an edge and twirled it. She leaned back in her chair and slumped. "Maybe."

"Give him a chance, dear. And not just because you need a trophy dangling on your arm. They'll talk about that too, you know. That an elite member became a vampire that you're now courting. Let them talk. Just don't let past pain keep you in pain now, do you understand?"

"Yeah," Annie mumbled.

"As for the king. Get used to it. Paperwork is eighty percent of your job. Draw hearts and smiley faces on the damn things if it makes you happier about it."

"Really?" Anessa's eyes gleamed. The possibilities.

"I don't recommend it, but you could probably get away with it."

Anessa pinched the bridge of her nose. There was a pregnant pause on the line as she settled on words. "Okay, mum. Can I call you back later? I think I might have some things to take care of."

"Always."

The phone clicked back into the cradle softly. Fingers beat against the desk as she decided on her next move. She felt...better. Not perfect, but better. It was a start.


End file.
